The Lost Art of Listening

Have you ever found yourself nodding along in a conversation, only to realise you didn’t hear a word that was being said?

You are not alone.

In today’s fast-paced world full of distractions to truly listen has become something of a lost art.  Being a good listener is a powerful skill, one that transforms not only our personal relationships but also our professional ones. For coaches in particular, it is  absolutely essential

“The art of conversation lies in listening” - Malcom Forbes

When I am coaching a client online, there is one thing I always see, hanging on the wall just behind my computer screen: A piece of paper with just one word: LISTEN.  

Why? It is there as a constant reminder to be fully present, hold space and to most importantly – just listen.

When I first discovered real listening

When I started my coaching diploma I wasn’t quits sure what to expect. Would I enjoy it? Would I even be able to coach? And what exactly is coaching anyway…?

But already in the second live workshop I learned something, I knew would make the entire course worth it:  I learned about active listening, which is the quintessential skill for coaching and in fact a very good thing to have in your tool kit for all social relationships:  as a mother, partner, friend or in your working life.

I have to admit, I had never really thought much about listening. It’s bad enough that they don’t teach this skill at medical school!  Like most people I assumed I was a reasonably good listener, an assumption that was quickly challenged during my first practice coaching sessions.  

While looking calm on the surface, internally I felt paralysed with fear that I wouldn’t be able to come up with a good question so instead of really listening to to what my peer coachee was sharing, I would frantically search my brain for clever things to say. Those were not my finest moments.

 I almost gave up on coaching before I had properly started.

 Thankfully, I realised that everyone in my cohort felt the same way and that this was just part of the learning process we all had to go through.

 The Levels of Listening

There is a hierarchy of listening. 

The Hierarchy of Listening

1.    NOT LISTENING/ IGNORING.  

Think about how often you are staring at your phone while someone is talking to you, and while you hear their voice you don’t really register what they are saying. I am guilty of doing this with my kids sometimes, when they tell me boring or repetitive stories. I catch myself being totally zoned out, thinking of something completely different. Sounds familiar?

2.    LISTENING TO INTERRUPT. 

We have all been there, right? We have something exciting or (in our opinion anyway) worthwhile to share and the other person won’t stop talking! We are just waiting for a small gap to jump in with our story. We are only half listening what is being said while preparing our reply.

3.    LISTEN TO JUDGE/ARGUE

We hear the person’s words, but we are not open to understanding them. We have already decided  that  we are right, and we are simply waiting to disagree. Anyone else recognizes this from arguments with their partner? Or is it just me…?

4.    LISTENING TO UNDERSTAND

This is a much better place to be. Here we may be actively listen to a good friend who has a problem as we try to understand the other person’s perspective and sympathise.

5.    LISTENING TO CREATE UNDERSTANDING

As a good coach we aspire to provide the top listening skill which is not only listening to understand but also to help our clients to understand themselves better. We do this by holding space for them to think aloud, by asking open questions and by reflecting back what we heard without judgement.

So what is Active Listening?

According to Hoppe (2006), active listening is:

 “A person’s willingness and ability to hear and understand. At its core, active listening is a state of mind that involves paying full attention to the other person, avoiding premature judgment, reflecting understanding, clarifying information, summarizing, and sharing.”

Active listening in the context of the coaching room for me has an almost meditative aspect –as a coach I aim to be fully present with my client and listen they say and also what they don’t say. No judgment, no panicking about the next question, no distractions or daydreaming. 

This is harder than it sounds and surprisingly tiring! But when it works, it’s magic!

I have seen clients start tentatively, testing the waters, and then gradually open up. Words are starting to pour out, connection are made, insights created, and new learning accomplished – all done in a space where they feel completely heard.

Listening Beyond the Coaching Room

Good listening of course is not confined to the coaching space - it is something you can take out into everyday life.

For example, try it on your child when they throw a tantrum for some seemingly ridiculous reason. Sit with them. Get on their level. Don’t talk down to them/judge/ argue/ try to fix their problem for them. Reflect back what you hear, ask some gentle open questions and help them make sense of their world. It is not what we usually do and it’s hard! But if it works it is rewarding for you and your child alike.

Screaming Child

A Moment of Reflection and A Listening Challenge

Ask yourself:

• When was the last time you felt truly listened to? How did it feel?

• How did it feel when you were sharing something personal and you got interrupted/ judged or ignored? What was this like?

For your next conversation, try this:

When you catch yourself preparing your reply before the other person has finished speaking, gently bring yourself back to the present moment of the conversation.

Tips for Becoming a Better Listener

• Put your phone away!

• Pay attention to what is being said and body language, emotional tone etc.

• Keep an open mind and suspend judgement

• Reflect back what you heard

• Ask open-ended questions

• Don’t interrupt

• Be comfortable with silence

If this seems overwhelming, remember: Better listening begins with intention — and with practice, it becomes a powerful habit that enhances every relationship we have.

Will you give it a go? Tell me in the comments!